Dude, do you remember a time when Joseph Fiennes was, like, THE HOTTEST thing ever? I remember that. But I am “old”. So gather around, young’uns, and I shall tell you a tale of the late ‘90s. Back in those days, Ralph Fiennes was generally considered to be one of the most beautiful actors in the world. He had two Oscar nominations under his belt (for Schindler’s List and The English Patient), and then all of a sudden Ralph’s younger brother Joseph came around and ladies were like “Ralph what? What just happened?” Joseph played Robert Dudley in Elizabeth, then he played Shakespeare in Shakespeare In Love, and that was pretty much the end of it for most girls. They were in love.

Well, Joseph’s career has been hit-or-miss since his whirlwind success in the late 1990s. Maybe it was bad career choices, maybe he always wanted to be a character actor, maybe he was never as good of an actor as his brother Ralph. I don’t know. But I do know that I feel kind of bad for him at this point. He could have been a leading man, a romantic hero, one of England’s great dramatic actors. But it didn’t come to pass and now he’s in the new season of American Horror Story: Asylum. These are photos of Joseph (and his wife Maria Dolores Dieguez) at the premiere event for AHS over the weekend. His wife is really pretty, right? Joseph looks… um…well, I think he’s still an attractive man. He isn’t as “pretty” as he used to be, although he does still have those gorgeous brown eyes (and to-die-for lashes). The Fiennes hairline is starting to be a problem, though.

So, would you hit it? Would you STILL hit it (if you wanted to hit it in the past)? Would you newly want to hit it? Eh. I’d rather go to bed with Ralph, honestly. That’s the way I’ve always felt. I like(d) Joseph a lot, but Ralph was always my go-to Fiennes brother.

PS… His full name is Joseph Alberic Iscariot Twisleton-Wykeham-Fiennes. HOT.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

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